Open Road
by chzahradsfdas
Summary: What was going through Roger's head as he drove home from Santa Fe? Based on the NYTW song of the same name. One-shot songfic.


This is a songfic, but not in the way you probably think of one. Open Road was a song from the New York Theatre Workshop production of RENT. It was written by Jonathan Larson, for Roger. I absolutely love the song. Chronologically, it goes after Goodbye Love. It was removed from the show, and pretty much replaced with Mark's What You Own. Honestly, I can see why. What You Own is an amazing song, one of my favorites, and frankly, it makes more sense in the show. But I really love Open Road, and I don't think it gets enough credit.

Thus, this fic.

I wasn't sure what the setting would be, really. It probably would have been just Roger, on stage, talking to himself, kind of like how What You Own is set up, so I just did as I liked with it.

The actual song starts when he says "open road" for the first time.

**~Inky**

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><p>I sighed as I stared into the Styrofoam mug of bitter black coffee in front of me. It was 1 in the morning, I was barely awake, and I wanted to make it as far home as I could before I crashed completely. So I was at this truck stop in the middle of nowhere, getting a caffeine fix to keep myself going.<p>

Truth was, I was homesick. For the familiar place, sure, the sounds, the smell even. But mostly for the people. Who'd have thought, Roger Davis, missing _people?_ I laughed quietly to myself before taking a sip of my coffee.

"Hey, kid," I heard a voice behind me. I looked up in annoyance. Sure, I wasn't as old as most people out alone, but I sure as hell wasn't a kid.

I raised an eyebrow at the guy standing behind me. He was just your average truck driver, a shadow of stubble on his chin and a ratty cap on his head. His face was by no means hostile, but then, I had never cozied up to strangers. He sighed before saying, "Look, if you're gonna keep driving tonight, fine. You look dead on your feet's all. Don't want no accidents out there. When a fella falls asleep at the wheel, it ain't pretty."

I stared for a moment, then nodded slowly. "Thanks." I guess strangers aren't all bad… I took another sip of my coffee before pushing off the bench I was sitting on and making my way back outside.

"Good luck, kid," the driver called after me. I waved without looking back.

The chill of the air woke me up a slight bit, but at the same time made me want even more to just crawl under a blanket and sleep.

I opened the door of my beat-up car and climbed inside, balancing my coffee on the seat next to me as I shut the door. I leaned back against the seat and closed my eyes for a moment, and I could feel myself slipping before I shook myself awake.

"C'mon, Roger. Get a grip." I sighed and took another gulp of coffee, grimacing at the taste. I knew driving at this point was irrational, but when had I ever been rational? Finally, I sighed and climbed into the back seat. I would allow myself a nap, and no more. It couldn't have been more than five minutes before I was asleep.

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><p>I woke up, and the lighting hadn't changed much. It was still too early for sunrise, which meant that I hadn't slept too long. I was less tired, which really only meant that I wasn't in danger of falling asleep that second. I glanced at the clock on the dash as I climbed back into the front seat, taking care not to spill the now-cold coffee that still rested on the passenger seat. 3:09. Not bad.<p>

I started my car and took a gulp of the coffee, hoping that it would still, at least, give me a caffeine kick. I shifted the car into gear and headed back towards the road that would take me towards home.

It was about half an hour into the trip when I started thinking.

Now, in my experience, thinking, or the way I interpret "thinking," is bad. "Thinking" means feeling, in a bad way, and "thinking" vamped my craving for the drug, even after this long. And it was easier than you might think to find a dealer, even in the middle of nowhere, especially if you knew where to look. And trust me, I knew where to look.

So, how did I stop "thinking," while keeping myself alert and awake? I played a little game.

Mark and I used to play it while I was still going through withdrawal, when the pains weren't too bad, between bouts of vomiting and chills and whatever else Mark had to put up with with me. Mostly it was to keep me sane. And it was also something I could do on my own.

A simple, childish little game, really, although with both our states of mind at that time, we got some pretty morbid lines from it.

All it was… was a rhyme game. He or I would start with a line, and the other would make another to rhyme with it. Like I said, simple.

So I started with what was right in front of me. "Open road." I thought for a moment, before coming out with, "Why does love erode?"

Mimi… No, I was thinking again.

"Get away," I told myself, steering clear of that train of thought. Barely processing it, I told myself, "You can't stay away."

Again, I was thinking. But thinking about home wasn't so bad. Wasn't as painful. Except the little pain in my chest that was homesickness. No, I couldn't stay away from there.

I glanced in the rearview mirror, like I had a thousand times the night I left.

Oh, God, Mimi's face that night… No. Stay away from that line of thought. Thinking was bad.

"Look away from the mirror, now," I muttered to myself, focusing my gaze on the windshield where a few raindrops had begun to fall. I hastily switched on the wipers, focusing myself on the road in front of me. "Look straight out ahead, that's how."

I paused for a moment, thinking of home again. I wasn't sure what had gone on in the nearly two months I'd been away. Despite my promise to call, I hated the telephone with a passion, and the one time I'd gathered the courage to call, the line was busy.

Mimi could have died by now.

Maybe it was better that way.

"But how can you let her go?" I said aloud, unintentionally. "Let her go?" I repeated in a whisper.

But… Mimi… "No!" I said, hitting my hand on the steering wheel. I stared blankly out the windshield, trying to keep my car on course as the rain pelted down harder.

If she was dead, I… I… No, don't think that, Roger. Not after all you did to get out of that. No. You are NOT going to do that to yourself. To Mark. If she was dead, there was nothing I could do about it. I sighed.

"You can't save the world. Better save your heart," I muttered softly to myself, surprised that the rain wasn't the only thing blurring my vision. I blinked hastily to clear my eyes. I sighed. "Start to close the door, head for open road…"

I was silent for a while, staring out in front of me. But eventually, my thoughts drifted to that night again.

How disappointed Mark had looked. Disappointed in me, because I was running away, and I knew it, just like when I'd been a junkie and used the smack to get away from reality. But then the high faded, and life would still be just the same. Running away never changed anything.

And then Mimi, oh God, Mimi, what had I done? I should have stayed with her… What had happened to her? I should have called. Stupid, stupid, stupid Roger! Goddamn it!

And then I wanted to escape again. The darkness closed in on me, and I was so alone, and I knew it wasn't far to a city.

No.

"Open road," I muttered again, shaking myself from those thoughts. "Why can't I crack love's code?" I mused, thinking again of Mimi, but this time without as much urgency. It was more myself in relation to Mimi. I knew I didn't love her right, because I knew I didn't know how. How does someone learn how to love? I'd heard it was by experiencing love themself. No wonder I didn't know.

It didn't help that when I saw her that night, it was already after my fight with Mark, and I was already running. I'd said I had to go. "Time to fly," I said aloud, "No time to say goodbye."

True, I'd never really said goodbye to Mimi. I'd been too busy running, running, running. Running because I didn't want them to see my tears. Running because I wanted to be seen as strong, when I was really the weakest of all. "Goodbye…"

Goodbye, love. That's what she'd said to me. Such finality in those words. As if she knew she'd never see me again. And her face… That was my last memory of her…

No, I didn't know she was dead. Just because she looked that bad didn't mean her time was over. Maybe it was the light, I don't know… Oh, God, I am such an idiot. How could I just leave like that…?

"Just try to forget her face," I whispered raggedly as my vision blurred yet again.

I couldn't drive like this. I pulled to the shoulder and turned off my motor, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the seat. I let the tears fall, because I knew that they'd keep threatening me until I let them. It's not like there was anyone here to see them. "Just get yourself in the race," I continued my earlier thought.

The race home. Because if Mimi was alive, she couldn't have much time left.

"There's a place that you have to go," I reminded myself, sniffling and wiping my eyes as the short-lived tears stopped falling. "Have to go…"

That's what I'd said the night I left. I've gotta go. As I ran out the door and straight into Mimi. After saying so many terrible things, things that I still hadn't apologized for. I had to get home. I had to make things right. Oh, God, Mark. I'm sorry… I'll make things better, I promise.

"No, you can't heal their pain," I sighed. What's done was done. I couldn't make it better. "Better heal your heart…" All I could do was fix that bitter, broken place in myself and apologize. And if it was too late…

I had to go. Now.

"Start your motor up," I muttered to myself as I sat up and turned the key. "Head for open road." I pulled into the stretch of empty road once again, my headlights parallel beams through the wet darkness ahead.

I knew I needed to keep my mind busy if my thoughts weren't going to venture into dangerous territory, but I didn't know where to start. I hummed an old song of mine without really thinking about it, but I stopped suddenly when I realized which song it was.

I was almost relieved when I found something else to go on, sad though it was. "There's a hit-and-run cat on the highway," I said as I approached the bundle of fur. It was on the side of the road, just laying there. I didn't see any blood, but the way it was lying told me that it was dead.

"Another cat sits saying a prayer…" There was another cat, though I didn't know if cats could pray. It sat stock still next to the limp form, unblinking eyes glaring at the road that took her love from her. Absurd though it was, our eyes met, and I saw in them the same look I'd seen in Mimi's that night.

"I swear as I pass, she's glaring my way…" I was only a few feet past that sad scene now. Something about it had prodded something sore inside me. "'Where did my love go?' cry her eyes…" I sighed as I pulled my car to the side of the road once more and turned off the motor. I couldn't just leave them there.

"Where did my love go…?" I'd tried calling Mimi once. All I got was the Operator voice telling me that the number was disconnected.

"Where did my love go?" I repeated again, wondering once again what had happened back home while I was away.

I opened my car door and stepped into the pouring rain. I knew how insane and stupid this was. But, truth was, I didn't really care. I guess… it was something Mark would do. And I had a lot to make up to him. So this was no big deal.

I jogged the few feet back to where the cat lay. The other was still just sitting there and didn't move as I came closer. I knelt next to them, already drenched. I reached to touch the dead cat. The other struck out at me with a paw, but no claws were extended. I looked up into the cat's face and was surprised to see some semblance of intelligence there. I reached out and stroked its head. And it leaned into my hand.

I sighed.

I touched the dead cat now, with no interference from the other this time. I gently lifted it and cradled it to my chest as I walked a bit farther from the edge of the road. I knelt again by a patch of softer ground and set the cat there. I was surprised to see the other cat there behind me.

Now what?

All I had were my hands.

I started digging.

It was a shallow grave, but deep enough for the tiny body next to me, I guess. I reached out to pick up the dead cat again, but I found myself unable to move. The other cat was licking its dead mate, grooming it gently, like it was dressing the body for burial.

I really don't know why I got so emotional.

I closed my eyes as the tears came again, sitting in the dirt in the rain next to a dead cat and a live one that was wild but not afraid of me. My hands were in a grave and my back hunched over as it shook.

I don't know how long I sat like that, just crying, not just over the cat, but over everything that had happened in the past two months. I'd never grieved properly.

I felt a warm brush against my arm.

I opened my eyes to see the cat sitting in front of me, staring expectantly. I gave it a watery smile as I wiped my eyes, which really did nothing but get my face dirty, soaked as I was.

I gently lifted the dead cat and placed it in the grave.

I knew what I had to do next.

I wasn't sure if I could.

I started pushing the dirt back into the shallow hole, covering the cat inside, as the live one looked on with its sad eyes.

At last my work was done. I swiped my arm across my face again and sniffed as I looked at the small mound of dirt over where the dead cat lay. The live cat rubbed its face on my knee before walking to the grave and curling up on top of it as if it never planned to move again. It gave me one last sad-eyed glance before resting its head on its paws.

I stared at it for a long moment before standing, wiping the worst of the mud from my pants, and walking back to the car.

When I got in the car, I simply sat there for five minutes. Just sat. Trying to wrap my mind around what I'd just done and seen.

I finally realized that that was impossible.

The cat's eyes, though… reminded me again of Mimi. That look in its eyes had said "Goodbye, love," more than words ever could.

I almost wished I could forget.

There was a way to forget reality, just for a while…

"No!" I said, starting the car and pulling into the road. "You can't forget her eyes, but still protect your heart." I sighed. Maybe the problem was that I had too much protection on my heart. Maybe I should just let down my guard for once…

The sky ahead of me had begun to turn grey. A new day had begun.

"As you start for home, breathe it in and slow… You don't have to go, if your heart is open… Your heart is open…"

Your heart is open road…


End file.
